*crawls out of the black hole I got sucked into*
I have pretty much one thing to talk about.
Since April 24 I have been stupidly obsessed with the Romanceable Rasmodius Redux Revamped (RRRR) mod for Stardew Valley, found here. It makes the eccentric Wizard living in the tower in the west romanceable with his own plotline and much drama and... well. Romance. Duh. I adore the writing and have begun my own fanfic inspired by it. You can find it here. As of posting this blog entry it only has two chapters posted, but I have written 24 chapters total and I plan to update weekly on Saturdays until FFXIV Dawntrail possibly takes over my attention again completely.
I can't describe how much this fic has taken over my life. I don't know if it's a manic episode or just plain ADHD hyperfixation rearing its head, but only now, a month later, has it begun to abate. I find myself slowing down on writing and playing my second playthrough to take notes for writing. I find myself also getting upset over this, when I stagnate into boredom because my sole obsession for the last month no longer is as potent and I have nothing else to turn to.
Talking about this with my girlfriend has made me realize that I put a ton of pressure on myself with regards to writing. I push myself to create more when I have a fixation because I'm terrified the energy will run out. But the truth is that the world will not stop if I don't write for a while. I will not die. Nobody will hate me. And this is so difficult to accept.
The solution is to let go and let myself not create for a while. But that's like a spear through the heart for me. I don't want to not be creating. It's part of who I am. I become so gray when I am not creating, or thinking creatively.
I'm not sure what to do. The fork in the road is currently between pushing myself to keep writing this fic and stopping because I'm tired and maybe I should stop. There's a middle path there somewhere but it's like walking a tightrope. I don't know. I don't know.
Reader, I hope you're doing well. I hope you're not suffering in any way.
See you next time.